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Domination is Only Interesting to Some People.

There is a conspiracy afoot. Let me preface this by saying that I have no faith in any type of conspiracy theory. CIA kills Kennedy, White House brings down the Towers, and America is the land of the free. All nonsense from people too dumb or scared to actually think and reason and figure out why that despite all evidence to the contrary things are screwed. Until now.

Picture this: Reigning Super-Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers play a team with a completely fabricated rivalry, the San Diego Chargers, due to Ben Roethlisberger and Philip Rivers, alumnus of the same draft class. However, with the remarkable arrival of a professional-caliber Rashard Mendenhall and an amazing performance by the offensive life, by halftime the game was practically over. The Steelers had their number and this is when all the weirdness begins.

The Steelers had possession of the ball for two-thirds of the first half. Troy Polamalu sat on the sidelines the entire game, but his absence was only lamented after this first half; the defense had allowed only five first downs and no points up to the first half of the third quarter. Then all hell broke loose. Coming up with plays seemingly designed by drunken pirates, the sea-faring variety and not the ne'er-do-well Pittsburgh team, San Diego marched up the field and had the entirety of Steelers nation on the edges of their seats and abusing whatever it was they chose to abuse during the game, food, drink, or drug.

How could this happen? We have Dick Freakin' LeBeau and James Damn Harrison and all of the other defensive juggernauts that until they began to accept not giving up a big play over the desire to make one had owned the field. This would be concerning. One of the reasons the Steelers are never looked at with the proper awe and respect of the Patriots manned by Brady or any of the Mannings' teams, is because of our inability to dominate a game and walk away winning a contest 50-2.

I imagine that it went something like this:


STEELERS ORGANIZATION CHUMP: We are killing them! Collingsworth said we were kicking their stinking butts! And he hates us!

NBC GREEDHEAD: Right. About that. See our numbers dipped during some commercials and halftime there.

STEELERS CHUMP: Oh yeah. People were probably checking out those slutty housewives or something, I always said we should have cheerleaders.

NBC GREEDHEAD: Yeah. See, we're gonna need to make this game more interesting. How about two special teams boners and one uncontested rush up the field. Oh and if Ben could make that "how is this happening to me?" face we'd love that. It tests well.

STEELERS CHUMP: Uhh…I mean…C'mon, really? You said that having Reed throw the Bears game was the LAST time. I mean we both had money on the Bengals, but this is just getting out of hand.

NBC GREEDHEAD: Do what you have to do. Or Coach Tomlin might get a lucrative offer for his own variety sports show before the new Jay Leno show.

STEELERS CHUMP: You wouldn't!

NBC GREEDHEAD: I have the theme song ready to be released as a ringtone. DARE ME TO!

Or something like that. It has to be a conspiracy of some sort to generate high viewership for these big national stage games. The Steelers love to put on a good show and who in Pittsburgh isn't willing to "play a little ball?" It would be much more disturbing if despite all of our achievements in the realm of defense we are simply programmed to fall apart in the fourth quarter. It's why Troy is special, not because of his superhuman ability to be wherever the ball is heading, but because he plays every down as if the Superbowl is on the line. Something foul is afoot in the depths of the Steelers locker room and I will be assuredly investigating this further.

My relentless pursuit of this conspiracy has everything to do with a commitment to good journalism and has nothing to do with the fact that I am eating some crow about Mendenhall right now. He had a very impressive showing and if he continues to perform that way with the high level of blocking provided by the O-Line, he may just become the Bettis replacement we have been looking for as a club and as a fanbase. I worry most about Willie Parker who, if Mendenhall does become the back to do it all, may be facing that long walk to the glue factory, forgotten as the undrafted record-breaker and person who helped us let Jerome go.

1 comment:

  1. Interesting take on the subject haha. But hey good writing. I admire your committment to your blog updates. I write over at TitansMix and Im looking for others who update frequently. Not everyone commits to this. So it's nice to see it's not just me. Check out my colum. And keep it up!